adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
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I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
me after eating Cheetos
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
That’s commitment
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME