Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

This is Sparta

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.