Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.