Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Weirdos gonna weird.