I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
You Might Also Like
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn