Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

la cocaina

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.