Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
When you’ve simply given up.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.