Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Pretty much! 😂👀
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
i actually laughed 😩
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
