Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.