Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Meeeee too!

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.