Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.