Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know