Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*