Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*