Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”