Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The Chosen Phew

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels