Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING