Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

i hate you platonically

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”