Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.