Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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I’m about to risk it all
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
somebody come look at this
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*