Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
is he marrying that labradoodle
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.