Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.