Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

what kind of cook setting is this??

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head