Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve all been there

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

We don’t deserve birds.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.