Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild