Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.