Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job