Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

ME:
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

“Worm Regards”