Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
You Might Also Like
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
wishing you and yours all the best
Risking my life for fun.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me