Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

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Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.