Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

She was REALLY feeling it.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Not today.. 😂

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning