Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.