“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Good morning, Twitter x
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Cake!!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
