“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.