“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.