“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
They also CAN sing✌️
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
A huge thanks to the person that did this
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
handsome & gretel
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.