Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
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My retirement plan is to become a cat.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Oddly specific
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou