Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this