Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker