Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Sounds like a real hoot.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.