Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

channeling her this year

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap