ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
