Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

Yup!

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Why am I like this?

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

what?

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

New tinder profile pic

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.