Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Grew big
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
yes… yes…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
when revenge coincides with naptime
