Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I saw this ending much differently.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.