Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
No, he would not have.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!