Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.