Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Yes, but it was never about money

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

#Caturday

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?