Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
A leaf blower, but for people.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.