Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson