Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.