Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
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Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.