Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
dictator is short for richard potato
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…