Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My dog learned how to text
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted