Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

Based Erika

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.