Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You Might Also Like
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.