adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
This is hilarious….
Good Morning.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious