Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
This headline is a thing of beauty
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale