Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.


[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.


Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs


My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium


Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here


WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies