Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
OH. COME. ON.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.