Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

👽

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

paddle faster i hear baby shark

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.