Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.