Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY