Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Limited budget
I love you…
…r dog.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words