adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked