adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
what day is it?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.