adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Good point.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them